In the old days, you used to bring a casserole, when someone had suffered a loss, or was coping with a family crisis like an illness or a divorce.  But what do you do now?

I've said to girlfriends who are struggling, "I'll keep you in my prayers,"  only to be told ever so politely, that they aren't praying people.  Which is, of course, okay. But even the more less religiously specific, "I'm sending positive thoughts your way" has a New Agey vibe that some people find annoying (and have told me so.)

In the most ironic of twists, a few weeks ago, I signed up to go to a breakfast lecture on "Helping Friends In Need" -- how to  best reach out to people who are sick, sad or suffering loss.

Then two days before the breakfast, my husband was walking across the street and was badly injured in a hit and run accident.  I spent the morning of the "Helping Friends in Need" breakfast in the hospital, by his bed, saying the St. Jude of Novena -- a prayer I'd never even heard of (I'm not Catholic) but I found while trolling online in the middle of the night when I could not sleep.

 My husband is doing much better and we were grateful for all the good wishes that came our way -- including an amazing treasure trove of e-mails and shout outs from my fellow Root contributors.

Last night, when we came home, we found a package at our front desk with a note from a dear friend. It was a box with a windowsill herb garden, suggesting that this was something that we could watch grow alongside my husband's mending bones.

Over the past year, we've had several major challenges where we were challenged to both give, and be the recipient, of people's well wishes.

On the recipient's end, I can say that for us the gifts that were the easiest to deal with were the ones that required no thought on our part.  The Fed-Ex package of bagels from New York that just showed up on our doorstep.  The friends who called one Saturday morning and asked if they could drive down from where they lived and take us to lunch. The meals, and flowers and books that were just there. 

These all stood in stark comparison, and forgive me if I seem like a hater on this, to the person who called and said, "Can I bring dinner next Tuesday at seven?"  Then they called back and said, "No, I'd like to come Wednesday at noon, but someone has to be at home because what I'm bringing has to be refrigerated."  Then they called again to say they were really busy and would reschedule for the following week. And every phone call brought more stress and more rearranging of our schedules until finally, the person never showed up.

 But the end of day, high maintenance people aside, I've learned that the best thing to do is to say yes to everything.  That Wally Lamb was right:  Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.  

On the giving end, I try to mimic my friend and leave a gift basket, I like to make them with pastel colored tin containers and cellophane wrap that I get at Staples.  I especially like to do breakfast baskets with fun pancake, waffle and banana bread mixes, flavored syrups, really good coffee and a few kinds of tea because I figure everyone's got to eat breakfast and staples keep.

I won't front.  I'm no Girl Scout.  I've also been known to throw together a margarita gift basket with a bottle of tequila and some fresh fruit mixers.  

I also like to give gift certificates for private yoga classes, because I think a private class at home is the most luxurious thing ever -- although I'm not sure that people actually use them. CNN/Money reports that more than a billion dollars worth of gift certificates go unused every year. That kind of waste makes me shudder so I give out gift certificates sparingly.

So since I missed that breakfast lecture by the professional counselor, I'm asking you.  How do you support a friend who's having a tough time? And when you're the one going through a rough patch, what do you wish people would do/say/bring?