The Hardline according to Jimi Izrael

Kimbo Slice caught a bad one

izraelj — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 11:32:34 GMT

Kimbo Slice was bested by Seth Petruzelli 14 seconds into the main event in the latest Elite XC fight on CBS. In the aftermath of an unremarkable win, rumors fly everywhere of a fix. I doubt there was a fix, and I also doubt that Petruzelli could duplicate the lucky strike that took down Slice. Slice lost his footing and gave Petruzelli—already outmatched, just hoping to survive—an opportunity to wail as if his life depended on it. Because you know what? It probably did. Slice has the power to turn your lights out, homie. Please believe it. I think any of us in that ring, fighting for our lives, would go for broke.

Slice has some obvious weaknesses—like his ground game—but I think he had enough skill to recover, if not for the lucky punch to the eyebrow that dazed him and put Petruzelli’s name in lights. Now, dude is talking about a rematch, and I think he should quiet down. I think Kimbo could kill him in a rematch. Because Petruzelli just got in a lucky punch—the smart money says fall back. Because the win was a fluke--not a “Rocky” moment by any stretch.

O. J. Simpson: Free at Last

izraelj — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 12:25:50 GMT

I'm glad that O.J. Simpson has been convicted, but not for the reasons you probably think. I never thought Simpson was smart enough to kill his ex-wife and her friend. It would have required too much planning, too much master-mind, supervillan-type of conspiring. The timeline was all wrong, and Simpson is not particularly quick on his feet or the smartest brother in the crew. He has been dogged since he was found innocent of those murders, but he hasn’t been smart enough to just fall back in the cut and live his life. In fact, he has even embraced the infamy with morbid books and interviews. Despite what some believe, his recent conviction was not a payback. It was destiny. He earned this trip to the Booty House fair and square.

Think about it: If you or I had dodged a murder rap, most of us would have been smart enough to dip out of the spotlight. Not Simpson. He was always destined for prison, Bigger Thomas-stylee: no matter how good his intentions the die was cast for him a long time ago. Some young men run from trouble, and some can’t get enough. Simpson has danced with the fates long enough, and it's time to pay the piper, I'm glad now he will at least get some stability, some normalcy to his life. Three hots and a cot is not much of a life, but it sure beats a life spent teasing the media with macabre innuendo. Simpson has found his home: he’s too stupid to walk free among us. He’s a danger to himself and others. He needs to be in prison, with all the rest of the dummies, for his own good. He’s found a place where he belongs. He's free to be stupid, at last. It's hard, but it's fair.

I think prison was always his destiny. What do you think?

Sen. John McCain's Crib... seriously

izraelj — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:07:42 GMT

In an effort to reach out to the little people and kind of internalize the pain of having to lose a home, Sen. John McCain is offering tours of one of his many cribs, recently put up for sale. He's probably selling it to get gas money for the 13 cars he owns. See? He understands the economy after all.

Is Sarah Palin Colorblind?

izraelj — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:22:46 GMT

I’m not down with just throwing darts at people willy, nilly, like Rep. Alcee Hastings did at Gov. Sarah Palin on Monday. But I thought he got at something I’ve been wondering about for a minute now: what does Sarah Palin know of people of color? She doesn’t have to be former a Soul Train dancer or charter member of the NAACP. She doesn't even have to linedance or play saxophone. But tell me something. Maybe she's colorblind, in a bad way, as in, she doesn't even acknowledge people of color or the racial divide in America. I’m concerned that someone who probably has had limited interaction with people of color could possibly be the president of the United States. I think at one time, that was possible, but I'm not interested in going back to Those Times. I don’t think it’s fair to say she ignorant of diversity, but I wonder if she has any compassion towards issues pertinent mainly to people of color. I think it’s fair question that I haven’t heard asked. We know there are black people in Alaska (Palin famously lost a beauty pageant to a sistah), but how well does Palin know them? I mean, do they kick it at the moose lodge?

White people (generally) have to go out of their way to get to know black folks--I think both Sen. John McCain and Gov. Palin face some challenges in that regard. I'm not stomping for either side, but I'm interested to hear how black Republicans reconcile that. Neither McCain or Palin have any great affinity for diversity or people of color. I mean, Jimmy Walker doesn't need to be thier campaign manager, but Palin's pale perspective gives me pause. What do you think? Is Sarah Palin colorblind?

S-Town

izraelj — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 12:38:58 GMT

Against all conventional wisdom, I'm attending my 20-year high school reunion on Saturday. The fact is, people don't go to reunions to see old friends: they go to relive petty rivalries, tell tales out of school, see who made it and who crapped out. But there are a few cats I wouldn't mind seeing.

In high school, I had a talent for getting along with everyone but was strongly allied to a small clique of drinking buddies. We were not the assimilated Negroes Shaker Heights was-and still is--trying to manufacture:we were an amalgam of ghetto transplants who crash-landed in the ‘burbs: me as the Section 8 Kid, and 5 other cats who were either from the Pjs, the ‘hood or,like me, among the working poor. We were all out of our depth: reluctant guinea pigs in an American experiment. This was the thing that brought us together.

Our crew formed its core freshman year and by senior year many of us were full-fledged alcoholics who couldn't function without a pint of hard liquor before the first bell. I was kind of the bookworm of the crew. There was K, the relatively sensible one who kept things in balance,Nellski, an affable cat who could just about out-drink and outfight anybody, The Original John Ski Love, a light-skinned dude I knew from summer day camp, Dan-who held charter membership in just about every drinking crew in Shaker-and Crazy Eddie, who, as advertised, was up for anything. We weren't a gang, although some of us were gang-affiliated-we were young black men with a back-story and a neighborhood in common, and we didn't even have a name until I named us. In 1988, the S-Town Drink Posse (yeah, I know) fell some where in the upper echelon of drinking crews, just behind the All Night Party Crashers, Strong Island and Chewed Bruhs. This, measured by the amount of mischief we got into, our sex appeal and our individual and collective ability to get drunk and stay drunk on any given school day. S-Town had a few of sub-crews, like The Later-On Boys, which was essentially me, Eddie and a few underclassmen trying to audition for S-Town. Our schtick was to hang out in the halls long after theclass bell. "Are you guys going to class?" people would ask. "Yeah," we'd respond in unison. "Later On." Clever, huh?

Most interesting about S-Town is that we all survived, against the odds-the S-Town boys all got their high school diplomas by hook-or crook and even graduated on time---everyone, of course, except for me.I said I was a bookworm. I didn't say I was a student.

Of that crew of 6, three went to the military. Of those three, one is a cook, and one takes care of his ailing parents. The other is a well-respected cop. Of the three others, one left the state, one fell off and one spent a great deal of the 90s in nightclubs, only to eventually go to college, acquire two degrees, get a book deal with a major publishing house and become something of a media meatball and well-known writer in some circles. None of us drink nearly as much as we did in high school. For a lot of us, I think the drinking was a way to orient and center ourselves in a strange, disorienting place like Shaker Heights. At least, for me it was.

I skipped the 10-year reunion---10 years ago I wasin the throes of personal drama. But this year, I'm kind of excited about it. Because while I haven't kept up well with all my dudes, we still share the same experience.

We're S-Town.

How many of you are coming up on reunions, and howdo you feel about going?

Child Support "Arrangements"

izraelj — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:51:34 GMT

Rapper T.I. had an arrangement with his baby-mama whereby he gave her $2K a month and paid for the children’s expenses (classes, etc), and now, not surprisingly, she’s taking him to support court. T’yeah, well, I’ve heard of these “arrangements.” Many of my male and female friends, adults who should know better, are in them, in an effort to “keep the white man out of {their} business.” They think it’s cheaper, never realizing that at the end of the day, with the mom asking for money at whim, it comes out to just about the same money the state would take anyway. But you think, you got yourself an “arrangement”, and everything will be ***-dorey. You’re wrong, bro.

See, these arrangements are deceiving because as long as there seems like a degree of civility and security, everything is babies and cream. Everyone is happy. But God forbid something goes wrong, brother, and we all know that something will go wrong. What most men don’t know is that these “arrangements” make them vulnerable to all kinds of foolishness. See, in most states, these “arrangements” are not considered—monies are only “support” when you pay through the state. Otherwise, the money is considered a gift to the child and/or mother. You won’t be able to hire a lawyer good enough to argue otherwise. So, you been breaking your seed off kinda nice for a few years. But if by chance you, Dad, should blow up financially—like T.I. did—Mom, if vindictive and/or lazy, could file for support, and conceivably ask for back child support, and the courts will grant it, based upon your current tax return. So do this math: if you have had an “arrangement” for 9 years, and paternity has been established that whole time and she takes you to support court and asks for back support….my dude, you are going to The Wash. Let T.I.’s baby-mama drama be an alert to baby-daddies everywhere: pay your support through the court, maign.

The reason why it’s important to go through the court for child support payments is three-fold: number one--and I can’t over-emphasize this--the law only recognizes payments made through the state and two, should you ever need your parental rights enforced, you are on record having been about your business. And three, a court order levels the field, Square Biz. Paying out of pocket, the mother holds all the cards, and can play them at will, which could include filing kidnapping charges on you, having your driver’s license revoked, or having you jailed for felony non-support. At. Whim. She can also do the “pay-to-play,” where you can’t see the kid unless you ante –up. If you ever have to go to the mattresses on your baby-mama and fight for custody, a record of paid-up child support will look better than not.

Ideally—as in the smart way to do this—is to lawyer-up and get a visitation schedule set in place along with the support order as a safe-guard, so mommy can’t play “Keep-Away” with the kids. As many fathers find out the hard way, paying support does not automatically entitle you to see your children. The state will hunt you down to pay child support, but they can’t secure a father’s rights to see his child without a court order in place. So cop that, because it’s better to have something in writing and tweak the details as you go along than let the baby-mama withhold the kid for ransom, or sometimes, just for fun. Even if Mommy is cool as a fan—like my kid’s moms are—better to be safe than sorry.

As I’ve written before, the issue of child support is thorny because in a lot of cases, it ends up being more like adult support, and there are no safeguards in place to prevent the baby-mamas from going to Lane Bryant on your support check, while your kid sits up there in holey shoes and pants. But I think I have come up with the right way to ratify the child support system: a way that is fair and make sense. This entry is too long as it is, so check out the Ultimate Child Support Solution on my blog.

In T.I.’s case, what’s likely to happen is that him and the mother will reach a settlement amount on the back support, and he will go forward paying some crazy amount of child support. But let his mess-up be your lesson: if you are paying support “off the books,” you need to run fix that. Today. Or you may find yourself hit up tomorrow.

Reggie Hudlin and The Hat That Fits

izraelj — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:10:22 GMT

Reggie Hudlin left BET, but I knew it was coming 6 months ago—it was the worst kept secret in black media circles. Ever. I’m glad he wasn’t outsted, and went out on his own terms. The sad truth is, I don’t know if folks really appreciated dude’s genius. I’m not on his ‘sack or anything, but you gotta give this dude his propers. You know what the problem was? At BET, he was trying to wear the wrong hat.

Hudlin is a modern-day Gordon Parks, a true monster in the game who totally re-did the blueprint: what some people used to call a renaissance man. I dig him because he made me think outside of the box. Hudlin writes and directs movies, pens a comic book, and he was running BET. That’s multi-tasking for your ass. But I didn’t think the Boss Man hat was a good look on him. Nah.

See, I’m a big fan of finding what you’re good at and sticking to it, so I’m glad he’s out of the cable business and, with any luck, on his way back to the studio. I applaud him for giving it a shot, and let’s just tell the truth: he did a great job while he was there. Whether you like what he put on the air or not, the station saw improved numbers during his tenure. But, if the truth be told, creative people don’t really belong behind a desk. They need to be creating. I was discouraged when I saw Robert Townsend put on an executive’s hat to do the Black Family Channel back in the day, because I thought this was a sure sign he was beginning to lose touch with his creative self. Trying to push the culture from the outside, instead of inside out, like artists do. The Parent ‘Hood was brilliant. BFC? Notsomuch. Hudlin, same thing. The idea of him sitting behind a desk made me both excited and depressed.

I was sure he’d put on progressive and daring programming, like my homegirl Jam’s joint, but I was hoping he would flex his creative chops. But art and commerce: Those hats aren’t interchangeable. Still, I thought there was a chance he could elevate black entertainment. And he did, to some degree. Maybe not as much as I would have liked, but whatever. He’s stepped down, and I hope he’s back in the movie business. Sometime, it’s good to know when to do a Shane-type maneuver: come in as an outsider, do some good, and dip out before Jack Palance (or, in this case, Hudlin’s critics) take you out.

Hudlin projects I’d like to see include: Hot Ghetto Mess: The Movie, Black Panther: The Animated Series or maybe he could hook up with SquiggleVision and bring back Hey Monie! But I’m sure he’s got a list of things he wants to get out there. If you need some ideas, Reggie…. (jimi makes “ring-a-ding-dingy motion). Good luck, Reggie. Job well done.

But sometimes, life is about knowing which hat fits best.

Her Say

izraelj — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 11:46:05 GMT

Crystal Magnum, the woman who accused three lacrosse players from Duke University of rape, plans to release a book in October. I’m interested to see what she has to say, but not if it has anything to do with the infamous rape case. I'm more interested in how she ended up stripping in the first place: why that seemed like the best option. See, I knew going in that the Duke Lacrosse Rape Case was a common “shake and dash” maneuver gone awry: two strippers intending to take the money and leave without performing. It stank like stripper juice from the curb. I wasn't convinced we'd ever know the all facts anyways, but certain facts did jump out at me.

Exhibit A: DNA revealed Magnum had enough disparate monkey-spank in and around her privates to start a sperm bank. Promiscuity isn't a crime. But further investigation found that her story had no merits, and these boys were the victim of a horrible wrong. These boys were not evolved, progressive thinkers or men of high character: they were trust-fund punks, but they didn’t deserve to have their names dragged through the mud. No one does. The boys are publishing a book, and now, their accuser is publishing a book, ostensibly to illuminate the story of why a woman who would resort to stripping and prostitution to get a college education. If that is indeed the focus, then that books sounds interesting. But I don’t want to hear either side of the rape accusation, because I feel dirty enough, with what I know. This whole case exposed so many filthy truths about human nature, I couldn’t possibly stomach any more revelation.

ASIDE: Why are there so many on the shelves about the sex mishaps and exploits of young black women--is anybody else disturbed by that? I gotta say that there are too many tell-all books about the rise, fall and fabulous lives of fallen women. But clearly, Magnum's story is different and complicated: I've never questioned the fact that she was a victim, but I've not always been sure what she was a victim of. Properly written, her book could elevate the conversation from the behavior to causation. If Magnum writes about the prologue to the Duke Rape Case, about how we go from Daddy's Little Girl to the stripper pole, it will be a worthy read.

How To Get Caught Cheating

izraelj — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:27:07 GMT

I think former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick wanted to get caught cheating on his wife, and I've said as much. That's the only thing that makes sense to me. My thing is, he didn't have to drag his city, his family and the rest of us through that mess. If he wanted to get caught cheating, there are a number of things he could have done that would have been cheaper, cleaner and more expeditious.

Ladies and gentleman, I know there are a lot of you out there cheating on your mates as a cry for help, looking for some way to get caught. I'm here to help. As a public service, I give you:

Ten Ways To Get Caught Cheating

1. Have sex with someone at your job – This is the sure-fire way to get busted having sex outside of your primary relationship. Because people at your job have nothing else better to do than look busy and gossip. When the both of youse take a bathroom break 2 minutes apart? Nobody's fooled.

2. Use your phone for the most salacious Rick James-nasty text messages imaginable – Trust me--your people check your phone, just to be nosey. Phone text-sex is above and beyond stupid. It's just a matter of time—you'll get caught for sure.

3. Have sex in your car – What, are you Joanie and Chachi? Get a room. Cops love busting people having sex in the ride. Try getting bailed out of jail for THAT.

4. Keep souvenirs – This is my favorite, because I know at least one cat that got caught out there on this tip. Listen: Sex on the side isn't sleep-away camp where you make snickerdoodles, keep up condom-wrappers and hotel keys to remember the good times. If you can't remember the jump-off without a memento, then why are you cheating in the first place?

5. Introduce your kids to your side-action --This is crazy-ugly, but God will get you for it. Kids talk like Maury Povich, so you better know that at some point Uncle Long-Stroke or Aunty Hurricane Lipps will come up in conversation.

6. Suddenly stay late a lot after work—All of a sudden you're employee of the month, doing all this extra work at the office afterhours? You work at Family Dollar, homie. C'mon now.

7. Lie about it— Another favorite, because men are not good liars. Like most things, women are much, much better at having affairs than men. Strange, how women never get caught cheating. What, you think it's because they don't? Pfft. Lying will get you caught, fellas.

8. Don't change the sheets – For reasons unknown and because you like to live dangerously, you proceed to get it popping in your bed—the same spot you and the main-squeeze rest your heads. Women have noses like German Shepperds and if you think for a second that woman doesn't know the difference between her funk and another woman's funk, then you truly just want to get caught.

9. Tell your best friend, swear him to secrecy—This gets to men's inability to lie well. Men talk like women, and you'll catch them at the bar bragging about someone ELSE'S jump-off. Your boy may bust you out, inadvertently.

10. Improve your sexual performance, overnight—Ladies, this is the only ways you really get caught. Because fellas, if your girls goes from Polly Purebred to Karrine Steffans in the sack, that's suspect. What, did she take a webinar? Your Johnson become a source of inspiration all of a sudden? Naw, Buddy. Sorry to say, somebody's re-grooming your chick. Square Biz.

Kilpatrick tried some of these, but when you really wanna get caught, sometimes you have to double-down and give it your all. Ultimately the sex-texting brought him down, but it took too long. Did I miss anything? If you know a sure-fire way to get caught cheating, write it below.

Jesse Jackson's Full of It

izraelj — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:38:57 GMT

See, I've always said the Rev. Jesse Jackson was full of it, and his recent trip to the hospital can leave no doubt.

All jokes aside, best wishes to The Good Rev for a speedy recovery.

Building Black Wealth

izraelj — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:03:01 GMT

A new survey reveals that black people don’t invest the way our white counterpoints do, but I didn’t need a study to know that: I’m broke, and not soliquid these days. I’m invested in groceries, utilities, and school clothes, and most of the people I know are. There is simply nothing left over to sock away, but as I get older, I realize that I need to fix the problem. I have to get to place where I can save some money, if only for my kid’s sake.

Part of the problem is that I don’t come from a legacy of people that save: my mom lived from hand to mouth, check to check. Her mom, the same way. No one in my family has a savings account, and when they’ve passed away, they left nothing but bills and occasionally, property. Of course real estate counts as an investment, but far too often, we end up selling grandma’s house for cheap. Black folks don’t have a tradition of wealth-building, and we don’t hold on to wealth building tools. If we know how important that is, even if we have to save a nickel a day for 30 years, or buy certificates of deposit, why don’t we do it? I'm thinking if I cut back on my tennis-shoe jones, I could maybe at least start a savings account. What can black people do to build wealth?

Saving New Orleans

izraelj — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 20:44:16 GMT

Mayor Ray Nagin is right on point, making sure his people evacuate the Big Easy before they are besieged by Hurricane Gustav, but there’s a bigger question that needs an answer. Gustav is a category 3 storm that looks to hit American soil at a category 4. Hurricane Katrina was a category 5, and we can all agree that there’s no sense in the locals waiting around to see what the nuanced difference between the two will be. Yes, it’s encouraging that no one is waiting for the worst case scenario and pulling the stragglers out of their homes and putting them on the bus. FEMA seems to have learned lessons from Katrina. That’s fine and I’m hoping that everyone comes out on the other end of the storm ok. But geologists say that because of its location, New Orleans is prone to this kind of thing: it is in the perfect setting for a recurring natural disaster. So, is the mass exodus of New Orleanians to parts unknown going to be an annual pilgrimage? There has to be a better, permanent solution.

How do we fix New Orleans?

The Clinton Effect

izraelj — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 19:23:27 GMT

Supporters of Sen. Hillary Clinton are planning to voice their discontent outside the Democratic National Convention, as if anyone was surprised. Me? I think it’s important that the Clintonites get their say, but I don’t know if the convention is the place or time for it. But that’s why we live in a democracy: so people can lunch-out whenever they get a mind to. I wonder how, or if, Sen. Barack Obama will deal with their discontent. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned: we know this going in. We’ve not seen it from Hillary, but we may see it on the convention floor. I don’t know that People United Means Action will be able to scrape together more than a few heads, but it won’t take that many folks to start a brouhaha on national television.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard more women’s group getting ready to picket. Up to this point, Obama’s been a political pin-up, but choosing Sen. Joe Biden as a running mate has put him on the other side: he’s The Man now, the enemy, seemingly using his male privilege to hold down yet another sister in the struggle. Not that I buy that, but I do think Clinton was unfairly looked-over and set-aside early in the game, and I don’t know how or if he will ultimately reconcile that fact with the voting public. It’s going to talk more than the famous Clinton Mouthpeice, skinning and grinning in Denver to make this all better. Clinton may be willing to slow her roll to know her role, but her supporters want nothing less than the White House. They won’t go quietly, and disruption and dissent at political conventions historically bodes badly for the greater good.

Planned Parenthood vs. Political Correctness

izraelj — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 17:28:56 GMT

Sex education, as public policy goes, is always a slippery slope, and Planned Parenthood has a group up in arms, but not for the reasons you think. The Life Education And Resource Network (LEARN ) is demanding that Planned Parenthood remove a video vignette from their site that features a black guy giving a white guy a presidential, as a school official intervenes, admonishing them to use a condom. LEARN cries racism. Me? I got no problem with the Stoner getting fellated by a Blipster. If my son were gay, this would be information I’d want him to have, and I wouldn’t care how he got it.

As a parent, I’ve come to peace with the idea of sex ed in the schools—I just make sure I give my kids my version as well. Sex education on the ‘net is very often just, you know, your kids clicking up on a porn site. I’m happy to see something like this available. LEARN Northeast is demanding the NAACP to call for a national boycott of the services of Planned Parenthood. Yet another ill-conceived idea from an organization mired in the cult of victimhood.

I don’t want school teachers, who can’t seem to control their own sexual proclivities, teaching my kids about the birds and bees. That said, there are parent out there who don’t teach their kids anything about sex, for fear it will make them hornier than they already are. This omission, inevitably, leads to misinformation and, in the best case scenario, the acquisition of a venereal disease. The worst case scenario? A grand-child. So we need sex ed in the schools.

The Rev. Rev. Dr. Clenard H Childress Jr., President of LEARN, concedes that it’s more important to inform about STDs than worry about political correctness, but is concerned about the dynamic and historical context of the visual, and suggests that the video “promotes rather than informs.” I’m not buying that. The fact that the guy giving is black? So what. Everything is not about race. My problem is more that we need more frank conversations about sex with our children and fewer squeamish liberals quashing it.

What do you think?

Master P and Better Black TV

izraelj — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 22:02:02 GMT

Percy Miller, aka Master P, is launching his own family-oriented black TV portal. Calling it Better Black TV, Miller rejects his past as a raunchy, graphic rap artist in favor of providing something more wholesome for the public to consume. Part of me thinks that this is just purely economic: rap music’s gangster narrative has kinda topped out, and the music just isn’t selling the way it used to, especially since you can basically just get it for free. Miller sees the popularity of the Jonas Brothers and other family-centered entertainment and wants to beat the rush of commercialism by being the first one in. Except that Robert Townsend tried the same thing some years ago with the Black Family Network and it failed miserably. It folded in 2007.

Part of the problem is that none of us can decide what family values look like, or what constitutes wholesome entertainment. Interesting, that we look at Sanford and Son and Good Times now as “wholesome,” but back in the day, people thought it was degrading and kind of risqué’. I don’t know if Miller will succeed where others have failed, but before he goes forward, he has to answer an important question.

What does “black family-oriented entertainment” look like?