I long ago
came out against any apology for slavery, mainly
because it would serve no useful purpose. But I’ve come up with Ten Useful Ways
America Could Apologize For Slavery.
1. 1. Danish:
Nothing says “I’m sorry” like a sweet-roll. Or a fresh crueller.
2. 2. White
Slavery Month: Every white person over the age of five will be compelled into slavery
for 30 days. Working at WalMart wouldn’t count.
3. 3. Drop
Squad 2.0: Just like Spike Lee’s
film, except white people get yoked off the street, re-educated and thrown back
on the curb. Think “A-Team”
as diversity trainers.
4. 4. Racism
Threat Level Updates: Just like Homeland
Security’s terrorist threat level system, you could get off a plane and know
the level of racism in any given city.
5. 5. Black
Friend for Dinner Week: White people have to sit down with their black friend
and break bread. Mailroom clerks and garbage men would not rank as ‘friends.’
6. 6. Racial
Draft: Black folks get to definitive
claim previously white people with black characteristics, as well as disown
trifling Black people. For example, I’d
gladly trade Kim
Kardashian for Khia.
7. 7. Macbook:
Actually, no. Macbook Pro, for all Black folks. With upgrades for life.
8. 8. No
more Adam Sadler movies.
9. 9. A
nice Ziggy card
might do the trick. What ever happened to Ziggy anyways?
10. Real
seasoning in Tony Roma’s Ribs. Seriously.
Do you have any ideas that are missing from this list? Write
them below.